Mainlining Gold Dust and Lust by alyse [ - ]
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Category: Miscellaneous
Characters: None
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Humour
Warnings: None

Summary: Thomas the Tank Engine: The Movie slash fic. Yes, you heard right.

Disclaimer: I think they're owned by Britt Allcott, but to be honest the show and movie traumatise me so much I block the whole experience out when Nibble makes me watch it.

Notes: Response to a fic challenge issued on the multimprov community on Livejournal, which was to right a slash fic including the following four words; cheat, rail, tender and fly. So of course I thought of Thomas ::veg::


Mainlining Gold Dust and Lust
By Alyse

"Thomas?" whispered Percy the little tank engine one night in the shed as they watched the stars come out.

"Yes, Percy?" asked Thomas just as quietly. The Big Engines were all asleep and Thomas didn't want to wake them. He'd had quite a telling off from Gordon the other morning for waking him up and the Big Engine had grumbled about silly little tank engines making a lot of noise all day.

"Humans aren't like we engines, are they?" Percy asked.

Thomas laughed. "Don't be silly, Percy. Of course they aren't. When was the last time you saw a human run along a rail line?"

Percy gave this some thought. "So Mr Conductor isn't like an engine, then?" he asked. "He doesn't need a fireman or a tender like we do?"

"No, silly," said Thomas, getting quite cross. "Why would he? Humans aren't like steam engines. They can't be as useful as we are."

"Then why would he tell Junior to light his fire?" asked Percy, obviously confused.

Now it was Thomas' turn to give this some thought. "Are you sure that was what he said, Percy?" he asked. "Maybe he said something else and you just heard him wrong."

Percy rolled his eyes. "No, Thomas, that's what he said. And then he borrowed some of my oil and told me that I was a really useful engine. But he didn't tell me *why* I was a useful engine." There was mingled pride at the compliment and confusion in Percy's voice.

"Why would a human need some oil?" asked Thomas, just as confused as Percy now.

"I don't know," replied Percy, "but I think they needed it to loosen a valve or something, because then I heard Mr Conductor tell Junior to grease something up well and then ease it in gently."

"But humans don't have valves or pistons either," said Thomas, still confused.

"They must do," replied Percy a little pompously, pleased that he knew something Thomas did not. "I distinctly heard Mr Conductor tell Junior to slam it in hard and keep pumping.

"Oh," said Thomas, a little put out that Percy, who could be a silly little engine sometimes, knew more than he did. When he thought about it however, he decided Percy overhearing these things and then just pretending to know more than Thomas was a bit of a cheat really.

"And then they must have finished whatever they were doing," Percy continued, "and went to play leapfrog. It must have been a difficult game - they were panting hard."

"Leapfrog?" asked Thomas. "How do you know that?"

"I spotted them when I went to shunt trucks up the line," said Percy, obviously pleased again that he knew something Thomas did not. "It looked like Junior was about to jump right over Mr Conductor," he added, "but then I had to deal with those troublesome trucks and couldn't stay and watch to see if it was Mr Conductor's turn next."

Thomas tried not to show how much he disliked Percy getting one up over him. "I think Mr Conductor is a very special human," he said eventually, wanting to prove he knew as much as Percy. "He can use Sparkle, after all, and ride along the Magic Railroad."

Percy agreed. "Do you think he can fly like Harold too?" he asked.

Thomas hesitated, not wanting to let Percy see he didn't know. "Why do you think that?" he asked Percy cautiously.

"Well," said Percy, "when I came back from moving those bothersome trucks I couldn't see them anymore but there was this electric whirring sound, like Harold's rotors, and then I heard Mr Conductor yell something like 'Lift Off'."

Thomas thought about this very carefully. "Well," he said eventually, "Mr Conductor and Junior *are* very special humans after all - they can do a lot of things much better than other people. I heard Burnett Stone tell Patch that he shouldn't bend over near them - I think they must be very, very good at leap frog."

Percy sighed. "I wish *we* could play leapfrog too, Thomas," he said very wistfully. "It looked like Mr Conductor and Junior were having a lot of fun."

"Don't be silly, Percy," said Thomas crossly, although secretly he thought it sounded like fun too. "You and I are steam engines and we should be glad of that. The Fat Controller would be lost without us. Only the other day he told me what a Really Useful Engine I was."

"I suppose so," pouted Percy. "Goodnight, Thomas."

"Goodnight, Percy," answered Thomas. He was still thinking about what Percy had told him. He sighed. He was a steam engine and he was proud of that. Only last week, Sir Topham Hatt had told him what a special little engine he was, and how Really Useful he was, although he felt a bit guilty at telling Percy that. He wasn't supposed to tell anyone - it was their little secret.

He wondered if the Fat Controller would want to play Leapfrog. Percy was right - it did sound fun.

The End